Healing: How To
What actually is healing anyway?
Healing is about unbecoming all that we are not. As human beings, we have some really unique traits and characteristics that are all our own. Unfortunately, often through our life experiences, we begin to cover up that uniqueness with pieces that do not belong to us – whether we experience situations with abuse or difficult childhoods, struggle to fit in as teenagers or through the early adult years as we “learn the ropes” of living in this society and culture, we may grasp onto a lot of beliefs that are actually not our own. We then continue living a life from these spaces and it starts to feel unsatisfying, empty, or even downright intolerable. Sometimes we are aware that we are living in a sort of false reality, other times we have no idea why we feel that something is just “not right” or maybe we are somehow “doing it wrong” because it appears that everyone else around us has it easier but we are left struggling. The actual reality is that we have slipped so far away from the uniqueness of who we are that we have, in essence, lost our “true selves” in the process. And so what healing intends to do is remove all that is not actually ours so that we may uncover who we truly are at the root of our essence – freeing ourselves essentially – from ourselves. From the stories we have created about who we are, from the beliefs we have listened to as others told us who we are, from what society or our teachers or parents or friends have told us about who we are and how we are “supposed” to be living. Healing is about tearing away all of these false beliefs and pieces we have about ourselves and finding our true essence – our own uniqueness – and embracing it and living from that space. Because it is only in that space that we find true happiness and peace within.
It is most important to note that when one chooses how to heal, they choose the way that is most authentic to who they are as a person. What works for one will not work for all; healing is not a one size fits all field. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. But note what is “right” – it is okay to feel uncomfortable through your healing process. It is not okay to feel unsafe. There is a difference between uncomfortable and unsafe. We can learn so much when we step outside of our comfort zones, but we are closed off from growth when we feel unsafe. Follow your intuition on what feels right for you. Maybe you would best be served using multiple methods, or maybe you have one surefire way that works for you. Whatever it is, it is. Follow what you know in your heart to be true for you.And so, we begin. This list is not intended to be comprehensive but it is a starting point on your own healing journey.
How to Heal (Ten Ways to a Whole You)
1. Who am I?
This sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? We have likes and dislikes, preferences for what we enjoy doing with our time and things we like to eat or favorite pastimes. But have you ever stopped to think about why you do the things you do? Do you do them because you actually derive joy from them, or because they are things that you have just always done or because your parents or siblings or partner does them and so you do them too? Start asking yourself why you do the things you do, and if the things you do actually bring you joy or if they are just things you’re choosing as a default. Uncover who you are by discovering what it is that actually brings you joy.
2. What are the thoughts that run through my mind?
Take a listen to what plays through your mind every day. When you do something wrong, do you self-criticize or do you lovingly respond to yourself? Many adults have negative “tapes” that run through their minds each day and these tapes really can affect one’s energy and overall self-esteem. They can come from negative life experiences and maybe have gotten stuck on repeat. It is important to identify them and change them. Instead of allowing “How could you do that? You’re so stupid” to play in your mind – replace it with “It’s okay, no one’s perfect, you are allowed to make a mistake.” The negative thought must be replaced with a positive, loving thought. After all, no one is perfect – and it is certainly okay not to be.
3. Why do I live the life that I do?
This is a biggie. Have you considered why you want to have that particular career? Why you chose that house? Why you drive that car? Why you want to get married? Why you have three children? Why you take them to Disney World every summer? Is it because these are the things that you truly wanted for yourself, or because you thought that this is what society expects of you, or what you need to do to fit into society, or “It’s just what people do?” You have your own life, your own desires, wants, and needs. And you are the only one who can decide what exactly those are and why. Consider the foundational reasons behind the way you live your life. Is it because you thought this was how you were supposed to live, or is it because this is actually the way you want to live? Remove anything that is not how you want to be living.
4. What stories do I identify with?
Some of us hold onto “stories” about who we are. While I was in college we were asked to bring in a “me box” that was filled with stuff that identified who we were. Several students in my class brought in pasta because they were Italian. As an Italian myself who actually despises pasta, I found this interesting. Did my fellow Italian classmates actually enjoy eating the pasta, or did they identify with that because it is a stereotype of Italians? What stories are you clinging to because they help “identify” you in the world? Do they truly belong to you, or were they handed down from family or cultural or societal norms? If you identify with them because you feel they truly represent who you are, then they can stay. But if they are there simply because someone or something else put them there, and they do not make sense to who you are, then they must go.
5. Rewrite the stories of your life.
Sometimes bad things happen to us. Either parents abuse us or didn’t show up for us how we wanted them to, friends desert us, partners leave us or mistreat us, and it hurts. But instead of internalizing these experiences and playing the victim role, it is important to rewrite the stories we create around these experiences. When we rewrite the stories, we change the perspective and thus the energy associated with the story. This moves it from a negative to a positive space and frees us internally from any of the lingering effects that remain when we keep the story in the negative frame. It is important to remember that things do not happen to us, but for us. Through painful experiences we truly can be liberated, it is all a matter of how we react to that which we experienced. We have very little control over anything that goes on outside of us, but we always have a choice in how we respond. When we rewrite the story, we take the negative experience and we discover what we learned that was positive from it, how the experience can help us to understand ourselves better, and how we can grow and move more fully into our true selves from having had that experience. We move ourselves from the space of victim to victor – and in that process we discover untapped strength that resides within us that helps us know that no matter what, we are always safe, even if sometimes it doesn’t appear that way.
6. Work on forgiveness.
This is super important. Forgiveness has two crucial aspects: we must forgive those who have hurt us in our lives and also forgive ourselves for any of the self-inflicted pain we have caused or any of the pain we have caused in others’ lives. Anything that has happened to us by another person must be forgiven. We forgive not just for them, but for ourselves. We forgive because we understand that at the most fundamental root of it all, hurt people hurt people. That if the individual who hurt us had done their own healing, they would have never operated from the space in which they did. That if they knew better, they would have done better. That whatever it was they did was never about us and only about them and how they show up for themselves. We remember that others cannot fully show up for anyone if they cannot fully show up for themselves first. We release the resentments we hold because we know that they are not positive or healthy for us. We let go of the stories surrounding our hurts and we step into the rest of the days of our lives. We understand that the past cannot be changed but that the future is in our very own hands and we write the story of our lives. We understand that by still harboring feelings of resentment, we are still giving our power away to the people or circumstances that hurt us and in effect, still allowing them to have control over us (sometimes long after they have exited our lives). We release all of this by forgiving them, forgiving ourselves, and looking out through the windshield and not the rear-view mirror. We let it all go, we note the lessons we learned, and we release the trauma that came with those lessons.
7. Self-expression and release.
There are many ways to heal through the arts, through movement, and through action. Creative arts, like painting, writing, music, photography, etc. all provide an outlet for your true essence to shine through. Engaging in the creative arts can provide peace within, assist in further self-discovery, and aid in increasing feelings of self-worthiness as your creations bring positive vibrations into your life and into the world. Healing through movement can include yoga, dancing, running, tai chi, martial arts, or any physical exertion that helps you physically release negative energy trapped within the body and connect on a deeper level with yourself. These movement experiences can also provide increased feelings of self-worthiness and satisfaction as your continued efforts produce tangible results in how you feel within your body and interact with the world. Action oriented ways of release include journaling, positive self talk, and meditation. There is a plethora of guided meditations available on the web for all sorts of intended purposes – choose a general one or one specific to something you’re wishing to clear.
8. No man is an island.
While healing is an individual experience that is uniquely our own, certainly navigating the waters alone through the whole journey is not necessary. It is, however, very important to remain completely true to yourself through this process and carefully select other individuals’ advice or input while on this path. This could be in the form of utilizing professional healing modalities – like acupuncture, massage, reiki, hypnosis, intuitive readings, etc., reading books written about healing, or linking up with other people who are on the same path. There are three important pieces to keep in mind when utilizing any external sources:
1. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Everyone we meet is a teacher to us in some way or another. When we are ready to take the next step, someone may come along with exactly what it is we need at that time. We can have gratitude for this learning experience and take the pieces of it that resonate with us and discard the rest. Ultimately we decide what gets to come in through the gates and what needs to stay out. A “teacher” can be in the form of a person, a video we find on YouTube, a book, or even a song we hear on the radio. The “teachers” do not necessarily have to be in human form.
2. No one lasts forever. Sometimes someone will come along and join us on our path and stay a while and it will be a beautiful, transforming experience for the both of you (or maybe even a group of you). It is lovely when we can push through some of the more difficult times with a little team encouraging us along the way, but it is also important to make sure that when the time has come that we need to move further along than the other or the group, we allow ourselves the permission to walk away knowing that it is in the best interest of ourselves and all involved. Growth happens at different rates for everyone. If you begin to feel you have gotten stuck in your progress within a relationship or a group it is not only okay, but necessary for your growth to release that attachment and move forward on your own.
3. You are always your own authority. No matter what anyone says about who you are, you are who you believe you are. This is true whether the person is offering positive or negative feedback about you. If you don’t believe it about yourself deep within, someone can say all they want and it will not affect the way you feel about yourself. It is important to establish a solid relationship with yourself and your beliefs about yourself so that they cannot be easily shaken or questioned when someone comes along and inputs their own thoughts. At the end of the day, what you think about you is what matters most.
9. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.
Henry David Thoreau said, “Things do not change; we change.” This is the fundamental aspect of healing. Nothing around us may change, but internally the change is so drastic that the outside world looks completely differently than it did before. We change. We grow, we heal, we step into the truest versions of ourselves. We create our realities and we discover that we had the power all along – we just weren’t aware of it before. Our inner landscape changes. We become whole, by unbecoming all that we were not. This process can sometimes be filled with joy as we uncover beautiful parts of ourselves that we did not know existed – and sometimes can be filled with pain as we come to terms with the true nature of reality of some of our experiences and people we have had in our lives. But despite the difficulties that may accompany some parts of healing, in the end we always, always, always will feel better. We remember that some moments of pain and release may hurt us temporarily as they are released, but once they are released for good, they can no longer affect us as they once did. We do the work because we remember we are worth it – we are worth so much more than we sometimes think we are.
10. Love conquers all.
Love is an energy with tremendous strength and it has the power to transform other energy. When all else fails, love always prevails. No matter how bad of shape we may be in, no matter what horrible things may have happened to us, no matter what we might think of ourselves, we must always remember that above all love is the most important. Self-love – complete, utter love of oneself no matter what– has the capability to heal any wound. We must come from a place of pure, unfiltered, unconditional love of ourselves. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed, but it can be transformed. We can all be alchemists of our own lives. We can take each and every piece of it, examine it, decide whether it needs to stay or go, and love it to the fullest. When we have made peace with our inner wounds and can love ourselves fully, we then are able to extend this unconditional, pure, unfiltered love out into the world – even onto those very people who may have hurt us in the past. Unconditional love means love without any conditions attached to it at all. It is the purest, simplest form of love that can exist. You love simply because you are love. This does not mean that you continue to tolerate negative behavior from other people – setting boundaries around what you will and won’t tolerate in your life is an act of self-love – but it means that you can have unconditional love for that person, all the while keeping your distance from them. Just because we love someone unconditionally does not mean we actually have to have them play a role in our lives. Above all, we remember that we are human beings who are both worthy and capable of loving ourselves and the world around us, no matter how it appears, and that our love of ourselves and that we share with the world is our greatest contribution of all in our lives.
I wish you the greatest experience possible as you begin or continue on your journey through healing to uncover the truest, most beautiful expression of you that exists within. May you find inner peace, a more fulfilling life, and wholeness of self along your way. May you find the well of love that has always existed within you and begin to draw from it, sharing that love with yourself first, and then the world around you.
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Erica Onofrio
December 10, 2018
About the Author: Erica Onofrio is owner of Soul to Soul, a center for healing, reiki & yoga located on the beautiful island of Ocean City, New Jersey, where she gives reiki & intuitive readings, teaches yoga & reiki trainings and various other classes.