If you’re anything like me, you probably spent a whole lot of time working towards a bunch of things you didn’t actually want. Maybe you didn’t know it at the time, or maybe you did and you kept working towards it anyway.
Either way, I’m here to tell you that if you’re still doing that, stop.
Seriously.
Working towards things you do not actually want is the surest way to suffer through life.
Example one:
You got a college degree, because you know, “they” said you needed one and at the age of eighteen with zero life experience and barely any knowledge about who you even are as a person, you just picked a major that either sounded cool, seemed like it would help you make good money someday, or that you heard was easy to graduate in.
Four years (or more) later, you graduated and received the most expensive piece of paper of your lifetime. Maybe you went right to work in your field and loved it (but then you probably wouldn't be reading this). Maybe you stuck that pricy paper somewhere and went to work at a job you didn’t even need that piece of paper to get.
Or, maybe you went to work with a job in your field and you’re still doing it and you’re still not actually happy about it. If you’re the last one, listen closely: you don’t have to keep this job if you don’t really love it. It’s okay to give up on everything you don’t actually want.
I know you spent a whole lot of money and time and energy to get the degree. I know you might have thought it was what you wanted. Maybe there was a time when you actually really did want it! But that time has passed and now you are trudging through your work hours daydreaming about how you’ll use your upcoming paid time off.
This is your life. It’s a one shot deal you’ve got going here. So, if you are not truly happy with how something is going, you and only you are the one to change that.
Job satisfaction is one of the biggest indicators of happiness. Yes, you can absolutely say that you can “just make yourself be happy no matter what” (and you can) but let’s also give some real value to the fact that it is a whole lot easier to find happiness when you create happiness. When you aren’t swimming upstream against the current, just trying to keep your head above water, life feels better. A lot better.
As a client once told me, “Buddha didn’t drive a carpool.” No. No, he didn’t.
And you don’t have to keep doing things you really don’t want to be doing just because you invested a lot of your past into those things. Instead, you can start making moves towards what you really want to be doing.
Example two:
You’re in a marriage or relationship that you don’t really want to be in.
Maybe you actually never wanted to be in it in the first place but somehow life organized itself and when you realized how far in you had gotten and the reality of it all you felt like it was too late to turn back. (Life disclaimer: It is NEVER too late to get out of something you do not want to be in).
Or, maybe once upon a time you actually did want to be in the relationship but that time has long passed and you don’t want to be in it anymore.
Or, you are willing to stay in it but only if some things could get changed because as it stands right now, it is simply not working for you.
It’s okay to give up on everything you don’t actually want.
Even people.
There are so many excuses when it comes to this arena that I could never manage to cover all of them in a blog post but here’s a few I have used myself and/or heard my clients use:
“I don’t want to start over”
“I want to stay together for the kids”
“I don’t want to be alone”
“I’ll never find anyone else”
“I don’t have enough money to leave”
“I don’t want to break their heart”
“I want to have kids before I’m too old”
“They are all I have”
“We’ve been together for so long, why change it now?”
“It works for me/us”
“They wouldn’t be able to handle it if I left”
“They’ve done so much for me, I will feel bad if I leave”
Underneath all of these excuses you’ll only find fear. I get it; I’ve been there. I have used some of these sentences myself. But here are a few rebuttals for you:
Starting over can be a lot of fun.
The kids will be happiest if their parents are also happiest. Kids can pick up on energy to a far greater degree than adults can.
You’re likelier to be happier alone than in a relationship you don’t want to be in.
There are almost 8 billion people in the world. Someone else will also love you.
You might need to figure out your finances, but don’t let money be the reason you make decisions.
You are not responsible for how other people feel.
The other person also deserves happiness and if you aren’t happy with them, they can find someone they will be happy with.
Live in the present, not the past. Just because you’ve been together for a long time doesn’t mean you need to stay together.
This is your life. It’s a one shot deal you’ve got going here. So if you are not truly happy with how something is going, you and only you are the one to change that.
How would it feel to be the partner on the other end of those excuse statements? Would you want you to stay with you?
Example three:
You’ve spent the bulk of your life living or being a particular person or working towards a particular goal. This one is a little less common but deserves its rightful place in the lineup. Examples of what I’m referring to:
You’ve spent your life working towards or on a specific goal or in a specific vocation.
You have a business or inherited a business you don’t care for.
You have lived in a way other than how you truly feel internally in terms of your gender identity, sexuality, or sexual orientation.
If you are not truly happy with how those things are playing out in your life, you can change them.
It’s okay to give up on everything you don’t actually want.
This means that even if you’ve spent the last thirty years of your life as a teacher but what you really want to be doing is working on cruise ships teaching cha-cha dancing lessons and traveling the world, you can do it.
This means that if you’ve taken over the family business but you would rather run a golf course instead, you can do it.
This means that if you have been living your entire life as a woman but you truly feel like a man, you can do it. (Or vice versa, or identify as non-binary).
And it means if you’ve lived your entire life as straight but you’re actually gay or you’ve been monogamous when you’re actually really into polyamory, you can do it. (And everything else your heart desires).
It’s okay to give up on everything you don’t actually want.
Whether that is a college degree, a job, a partner, a marriage, a career, a business, an identification, an expression of yourself, or a relationship paradigm that doesn’t actually work for you, if you don’t actually want it, it is okay to let it go.
No, it’s not selfish to go after the things you want in life.
This is your life. This is it. (Unless you believe in reincarnation, which if you do, you probably also subscribe to the belief that you have to live true to your soul to be released from the endless cycle of death and rebirth so that still holds you accountable for living how you truly want to be living).
But, this is YOUR life. Pause for a moment and really think about this. You are a living, breathing human being. You get this amazing opportunity to exist here, in this body you’ve got, and you are the captain of your ship. If you’re not sailing in the direction you want to be heading in, you are the only person who can change that.
No one gets out alive.
So you might as well live it up while you are here and give yourself the greatest experience of life you can imagine. Anytime you allow yourself to stay stuck in all of the spaces you don’t really want to be in, you create more suffering for yourself.
There’s no prize at the end for sticking it out with something you didn’t actually want.
Everyone’s own interpretation of the afterlife or non existence of one is up to themselves to determine, but as far as I am aware, no one gets prizes for living a life they didn’t enjoy (nor would there be a prize for living a life you do enjoy, but the life itself would be the prize).
Sometimes the term commitment gets too much validity.
Making a commitment means making a promise to a time that is not the present. The very definition of commitment states that it “restricts freedom of action.” While you might understand why you made that commitment, consider a few factors if you are gripping onto this word and its concept too tightly:
Who you were when you made that commitment was a different person.
You’ve undoubtedly grown and changed since you made that commitment (or you probably wouldn’t be feeling differently right now). How could you have known that you would feel differently later? You couldn’t have possibly known and you don’t have to continue to live a life you’re not happy with because a previous version of you who knew less than this version of you committed you to it.
Put yourself on the other side of your commitment.
If you’re the teacher I mentioned above, how do you think your students feel when you show up unenthused and not really wanting to be there? You could be replaced with a teacher who is excited about waking up everyday to go to school. If you’re married to a woman when you’d rather be with a man, how does that take away from your wife’s experience of life? By leaving, she is free to find someone who truly wants to be with her and experience all of her.
You can make a new commitment to something you truly do want.
Something that is aligned for who you are now in life.
When you stop your giving energy to the things you don’t actually want, you can start giving your energy to the things you really do want.
This will make your entire experience of life feel so much better. You will spend all of your time doing the things you really want to be doing and sharing your energy the way you really want to be sharing it. You’ll live your life the way YOU truly want to be living it, whether that is in regards to your career, your relationships, how you interact with the world, or anything else that makes your heart sing.
No, that’s not impractical. It’s possible.
The bottom line is this: if you are unhappy with the way things are in your life, you can change them. It’s okay to give up on everything you don’t actually want. I’m not going to sugar coat it and tell you it will be easy, but I will tell you that it will be worth it.
You might hit some rough patches as you navigate the new waters, but once you adjust your sails you’ll find life not only easier, but far more enjoyable.
When you live as who you truly are, and how you truly want to be living, without giving power or energy away to your fears and limiting or false beliefs, you find something really quite magical: yourself.
And there’s nothing quite like living life as your most authentic, incredible self.
But don’t just take my word for it. Give that gift to yourself.
Thank you for reading. I hope you have the courage to live from your most authentic space and reach for everything you want out of your one and precious life.
I hope you have the courage to give up on everything you don’t actually want.
I appreciate it when you share my blog posts on social media and with your friends and I thank you in advance!
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Hi, I’m Erica
This is a picture of me riding a horse in Cuba. I’m an avid rule breaker and life creator.
Once upon a time I got a college degree that I never used, married someone I didn’t really want to be with and lived a life I couldn’t stand. Then I finally did something about it.
Now I own my own business, absolutely love my life and what I’ve created, and have dedicated my life to helping other people get out of their own way and live the life of their dreams.
I do some witchy magic stuff too, like reiki and intuitive readings, and some yoga because it feels so dang good. It also helps move energy like no other. I believe, more than anything, that energy affects everything.
I hope you live a life you love. You deserve it.