There are no downsides to forgiving someone.
Seriously. Let’s think about this for a moment:
Someone does something to you. It doesn’t feel good. It probably hurts a lot. It may leave a gaping wound or a scar on you – physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.
Why do people hurt people? Because people are hurting.
I do believe there are some exceptions to the above statement. The term sociopath comes to mind here. Yes, some people are just people who hurt people, just because. But they are the exception.
The rest of the people who hurt people often do so without realizing it, unfortunately. They might also do it because they are hurting so badly that their pain and suffering bubbles up and over and spills out onto others. They may also hurt others because they want everyone to feel as horrible as they do. They may hurt others as a way to have control over them, or as a way to protect themselves from what they believe is a threat. Some people do this consciously and intentionally. But most do not.
To be conscious of something means that we are completely aware that we are doing it. We know exactly what we’re doing, how much it will affect others, and we know why we are doing it. Most folks would probably agree that if they knew their actions were hurting others so terribly, they wouldn’t do them. But that’s just it – often times, people just don’t know. Maybe they were abused as children or in past relationships. Maybe they never learned how to be in a healthy relationship or have healthy communication. Maybe they never saw an example of a healthy family or friendship.
We have all probably unintentionally hurt others at some point in our lives. We’ve also all probably been hurt by someone who either unintentionally or intentionally meant to hurt us. This, unfortunately, is an aspect of life. We don’t all live in a perfect little bubble of love and safety.
We might not be able to control too much of what comes our way, or how others treat us, but where we do have control is in our reactions to those circumstances.
We can choose to stop allowing certain people to have a role in our lives.
We can choose to learn from our experiences.
We can choose to learn how to forgive.
When we forgive, we forgive for ourselves first, above all. We forgive because if we hold onto the pain and hurt someone bestowed upon us, we continue living in that energy and repeating that feeling over and over again. We forgive so we can move on and live our lives without holding onto that pain and that person any longer.
Let’s take an example:
Sandra spends five years of her life with her boyfriend Charles. In the beginning, the relationship was wonderful. Charles seemed to be everything Sandra was looking for in a partner. As time continued on, however, Charles’s behavior began to change significantly. He started returning late home from work, without giving Sandra a heads up or any details of where he had been and what he was doing. Sandra often cooked dinner for the two of them, and night after night would sit alone with a freshly made dinner, wondering where Charles could be. When he arrived home in the evenings, sometimes so late it was even after Sandra had gone to sleep, he wouldn’t speak to her or answer any of her questions. He became angry with her for asking him where he had been and why he hadn’t called or picked up his phone. He told her he didn’t appreciate the interrogation he received and that couples don’t have to share all the details of their lives with each other. Eventually, Sandra learned that Charles not only had another girlfriend, but a child with this woman. Sandra was left broke hearted and confused. If Charles didn’t want to be with her, why did he stay and drag the relationship on? If he loved this other woman, why didn’t he live with her and his child and let Sandra move on with her own life? Sandra felt an array of emotions – betrayal, confusion, pain, sorrow, and anger.
Sandra probably didn’t have much to do with this situation or how it came to be. And because she loved Charles and wanted their relationship to work out, when he first started being late she tried to be understanding about it and give him a little space. She even thought to herself that maybe Charles just needed a little space before they took their relationship to the next level and he proposed to her.
Obviously, the shock of the reality of the situation was a lot for Sandra to handle. And aside from all of the feelings she felt regarding Charles and the whole scenario, she also felt a lot of feelings of frustration and anger with her own self, wondering how she could have ever been so blind to have not figured everything out sooner.
Now once Sandra is on the other side of this situation, there are many possibilities with what she might do next:
She could stay angry and bitter towards Charles for the rest of her life, possibly even feeling anger and bitterness towards the other woman and his child, allowing it to consume her and he life and the choices she makes moving forward.
She could feel anger and bitterness towards all men, refusing to ever date again and feeling that “all men are pigs” and there “aren’t any good guys left.” She could allow this anger to engulf her and could live in this angry energy for the rest of her life.
She could rebound quickly with a new partner and not spend any time at all addressing this deep wound and the pain and sadness it caused, instead focusing all of her energy on her new partner and distracting herself from what had happened.
Sandra could work through her feelings of abandonment, betrayal, grief and sadness and find happiness again with her own self, yet still hold onto the anger towards Charles.
Sandra could focus on healing from this trauma, and all of the aspects of it, allowing this experience to be a catalyst for incredible growth and change in her life. She could use this pain and turn it into a way to more deeply understand herself, others, and life. She could take the time to work through all of her feelings and understand that this experience was something that once happened to her and that she can now leave it in the past.
And finally, Sandra could do all or most of what is stated in the last paragraph and she could take it one step further and forgive Charles, his lover, and herself for everything that happened.
Of all of the choices that Sandra could make as a reaction to this experience, which do you think would be the best choice for her to live her very best life?
Certainly, working through all of the feelings and emotions that arose because of this incident is an excellent choice. But if she does all of that and still holds onto anger towards Charles and doesn’t allow herself to truly forgive him, the reality is that at the end of the day, Sandra is only hurting herself. Charles has moved on. The other woman is happy. Their child is content. Sandra would only be hurting herself by holding onto the pain and anger of this experience. And Charles, the other woman, and the child, would mostly be completely unaffected by Sandra’s inability to forgive (unless Sandra was acting out, which is another story in itself).
If Sandra could choose to forgive everyone, including herself, involved in this experience, and work through all of her heavy feelings and emotions she could dig deeply inside of herself to find core wounds that might have brought this sort of experience into her life in the first place. She could find a way to find gratitude towards Charles, the other woman, and the child, as her final step in her healing process, understanding that without this incident and the subsequent deep healing period she went through, she may have never known herself on such a deep level. She could also find a way to let go of a lot of the old patterns of behavior that were stopping her from having a fulfilling love relationship in the first place. And above all, Sandra could forgive herself and begin the journey of self-love – finding joy, love, and peace in life again – on levels that she never even knew existed before.
That is what forgiveness can provide for us. It can help us reach deeply within our own selves. It can help us grow and learn and expand. It can help us learn to love ourselves and others, unconditionally.
It can create the space for us to live our very best lives.
It can help us come back home, to ourselves.
It can help us be free.
Don’t you deserve to be free? Don’t we all?
Click here to try a Forgiveness Healing Meditation.
I hope you find the strength within you to forgive, not only those who have hurt you, but your own self, for you deserve the very best life has to offer. We all do. And it starts with you.
About the Author: Erica Onofrio is owner of Soul to Soul and offers healing and transformation through Reiki, Yoga, Emotional Release Sessions, and more. Erica can be booked for one-on-one sessions through Zoom. Schedule a session here.